I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
