Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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