we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
