she smelled like a LAN party
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
