I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
