Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
