Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Randomize
