She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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