I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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