Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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