Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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