Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize