the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
