I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
