She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
