Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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