I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How does one acquire holy water?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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