I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
