can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
