I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
