I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
