I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
