the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
