Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
