so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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