it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just pee around me
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
