She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
