i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
