my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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