Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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