I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
