i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How does one acquire holy water?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You ate ashes out of my bong
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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