The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
