OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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