I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
