remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize