So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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