Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Your cock deserves a montage
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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