I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
