i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
