she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
