Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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