I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
