your thong is hanging out like whoa
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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