good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
