You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
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