She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
