So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
