he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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