so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
