I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
