tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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