You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
