Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
