i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Randomize
