I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
