Your face is a jimmy john
You're my little dorito
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
