One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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