based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
