I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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